{"id":37,"date":"2008-03-11T06:43:12","date_gmt":"2008-03-11T13:43:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/karuana.wordpress.com\/?p=37"},"modified":"2008-03-11T06:43:12","modified_gmt":"2008-03-11T13:43:12","slug":"march-2008-dealing-with-difficult-people","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/endlessmagic.com\/index.php\/2008\/03\/march-2008-dealing-with-difficult-people\/","title":{"rendered":"Dealing with Difficult People"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n\n\n
March 2008 Newsletter<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Hello dear friends! It has been a busy few weeks since we last spoke! We had a full moon lunar eclipse on February 20th and the election battles are consuming our media outlets! Meanwhile, as I’ve been busy preparing this article on dealing with difficult people I am reminded that the most difficult person I deal with is ME! While this article is written in the manner of dealing with others I think it is worth noting that all of these suggestions can also be turned inward as well as outward with others.<\/p>\n

However you use the information – I hope you find it helpful and as always, take what you need & leave the rest!<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

<\/a>March’s Topic: Dealing with Difficult People, Dealing with Ourselves<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

In my last newsletter we discussed the power of choice and how critical conscious choices are to a well developed, connected and enthusiastic life.\u00a0 This month we\u2019ll talk about the power of those choices and what we can do when we are most challenged by our reactions to other people\u2019s behavior.\u00a0 As we achieve goals and embrace change we will inevitably come into contact with people we believe to be difficult.\u00a0 These people exhibit troublesome, hurtful or downright negative behavior.\u00a0 Each of us has a choice as to how we deal with these behaviors in our life.\u00a0 We are able to claim our freedom by claiming power over our reactions to the behavior of others.<\/span><\/p>\n

First let me say that boundaries are everything.\u00a0 The suggestions below are intended for situations where it is to your benefit to master your own reactions to the types of wounded behavior I will be outlining.\u00a0 Under no circumstances should you put up with abusive behavior, either physical or emotional.\u00a0 \u201cNo\u201d is a beautiful word in our language and not used often enough in furtherance of a peaceful life. \u00a0Each person defines abuse and toxic behavior differently.\u00a0 It is not necessary to compare yourself to others, but only to look within and find your own answer to the question, \u201cIs this situation abusive?\u201d\u00a0 If your answer is, \u201cYes.\u201d then it is time to get some assistance with your situation.\u00a0 Everyone deserves a harmonious life free of toxic influences and damaging behavior. The first and most important choice you can make is to value yourself enough to pursue that sort of life.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Now with that said, often a situation has not escalated to abusive or even toxic.\u00a0 Sometimes in perfectly good relationships there are moments when either yourself or another person acts from past hurt or is not capable of expressing their emotional landscape directly.\u00a0 It is helpful to be able to interpret the behavior of others and ourselves within this context.\u00a0 What I have broken down are some common behavior patterns that I have personally encountered in my practice, at work, home and within myself.\u00a0 When I encounter these various behaviors my opportunity is to see them differently than I have before, make a different choice as to how I react and therefore have a different experience not only of the other person, but most importantly of myself.\u00a0 It is an exercise for and about\u00a0me, not them. <\/strong>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Every spiritual practice speaks of the power of forgiveness, but true forgiveness in my experience begins with understanding.\u00a0 Often the goal is more practical.\u00a0 Maybe you would just like to be able to get along better with a colleague at work or with your mother-in-law.\u00a0 Whatever the goal, my experience is that the practice of mastering my own reactions to the behavior of others has a transformative effect on my own level of harmony and enthusiasm in my life.\u00a0 It allows me to have greater and lasting focus on my own intentions for my day or in any given situation.\u00a0 As always it is practice, not perfection.\u00a0 The journey to self-mastery is never complete but a continuing adventure in understanding and growth.
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A word here should also be noted about silence.\u00a0 Too often we are compelled to participate in conversations best left alone.\u00a0 We have been taught by society that not responding in a conversation is rude, however,\u00a0quite often when dealing with difficult people saying nothing is often the best response<\/strong>.\u00a0 It can be very fulfilling to develop the ability simply watch someone complain or act self important without feeling compelled to engage in any response.<\/span><\/p>\n

Though it might look like it that person is attacking us (or our friends or spouse) they are simply acting out of their own issue. Their behavior is not, in any way, personal!\u00a0 If you put some attention on discerning the deeper nature of the behavior of others you will also learn when to speak out.\u00a0 This mindfulness of our own words and timing gives us a precious moment to choose what response we wish to bring to the situation.\u00a0 That\u2019s all a fancy way of saying, learn to count to 10 before hopping into the frey or judging that other person.\u00a0 It will greatly benefit every relationship you have!
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

I will outline the first archetype in some detail so that you can see how the system works.\u00a0 Remember though as we go through the others in more abbreviated terms that what we are truly trying to develop is an understanding of the relationship between what people say and how they are truly feeling.\u00a0 It is not always accurate to take people at face value.\u00a0 Exercising the skill of observing others and analyzing the extra information you can gain will lead you to more fulfilling relationships and a deeper understanding of yourself. Let\u2019s begin!<\/span><\/p>\n

The Egotist <\/strong>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

The Behavior<\/strong>: The egotist acts out by bragging about their accomplishments often at the expense of others or acting self important.\u00a0 Tom loudly takes credit for the accomplishments of Sally amongst their colleagues.\u00a0 Jane pointedly discusses being great at an activity that they know their sister Julia is not in front of their mother.\u00a0 You mention to your spouse how easy it is to be neat and wonder out loud why s\/he cannot seem to do the same.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

The Translation<\/strong>:\u00a0 This person is truly saying:\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not important. I do not matter. There is nothing special about me.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0This behavior comes from a lack of true self-esteem and an idea that for them to be special someone else must suffer or be made less than.\u00a0 In this person\u2019s heart there is not enough love or admiration to go around and so they must wrest out of their environment any part of it that they can.\u00a0 A dog eat dog mentality.
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Wounding Reaction<\/strong>:\u00a0 If we respond only to the surface behavior we are led to minimize their contributions, to criticize this person and consequently prove that they, in fact, are not special.\u00a0 This continues the cycle of wounded behavior. We have played right into the hand of the old pain that caused this behavior to begin with.\u00a0 Also we are often drawn into controversy that has nothing to do with us or our intention for a harmonious day.\u00a0 We loudly point out that no Tom you did not do that or that Jane\u2019s accomplishment isn\u2019t that special anyway.\u00a0 We tell our neat and orderly spouse that they are just that way because they are anal or controlling.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Healing Reaction: <\/strong>Our choice is to instead validate that person\u2019s true accomplishments, sidestep the pomp & circumstance and self importance of the other and speak to their authentic self.\u00a0\u00a0 Julia can simply tell Jane that it is great that she\u2019s so good at her special activity.\u00a0 We can choose to mind our own business while Tom crows at the staff meeting and turn the conversation to another more productive subject or we can find something that Tom truly did to validate his skills. We can simply\u00a0ask<\/strong> our spouse to pick up his or her clothes\u00a0without<\/strong> noting how much better we are at the habit of neatness. \u00a0Genuine humor, humility and truth tempered with diplomacy is called for. <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So as you can see you have the archetype, the nature of the acting out behavior, the translation and our two choices, wounding or healing reactions.\u00a0 Let me now lay out a few more:<\/span><\/p>\n

The Complainer<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

The Behavior:<\/strong> Finds problems and identifies worst case scenarios with regularity.\u00a0 Points out that things rarely work in their favor.\u00a0 Not satisfied with the outcome of any given situation.\u00a0 Shoots holes in silver linings so more rain can pour down on them.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

The Translation:<\/strong> I have no solutions.\u00a0 I am powerless.\u00a0 I feel helpless.\u00a0 I have forgotten that I own my choices.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Wounding Reaction:<\/strong> Validate their complaints, get drawn into negativity.\u00a0 Join in the complaining about the person, place or thing.\u00a0 Lament the unfairness of it all.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Healing Reaction: <\/strong> Praise their ability to find a solution, ask open ended questions.\u00a0 Reassure them.\u00a0 Freely give of your enthusiasm for overcoming obstacles.
\n<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The Know it All <\/span><\/strong><\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

The Behavior:<\/strong> Corrects other people, often interrupting conversation.\u00a0 Usually attempts to have the last word in conversations or conflicts.\u00a0 Refuses to apologize for wrongdoing \u2013 uses self justification to compensate for mistakes.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

The Translation:<\/strong> I\u2019m not smart.\u00a0 My words don\u2019t matter. It is not safe to learn.\u00a0 I am closed.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Wounding Reaction: <\/strong>Trump their knowledge, prove them wrong.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Healing Reaction: <\/strong> Praise them for what they are correct about. Validate their problem solving skills.\u00a0 Do not interrupt them.
\n<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The Aggressor <\/strong>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

The Behavior:<\/strong> Overly assertive in conversation, often raises their voice to make a point.\u00a0 Quick tempered.\u00a0 Finds the weak link in a group or idea to bully into submission.\u00a0 Sarcastic and belittling to others.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

The Translation:<\/strong> I\u2019m vulnerable.\u00a0 You will hurt me if I don\u2019t hurt you first.\u00a0 I have something to prove.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Wounding Reaction:<\/strong> Return their aggression; top-dog them into submission.\u00a0 Return the belittling or sarcastic remark with greater skill.\u00a0 Yell louder.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Healing Reaction: <\/strong>Show them kindness, diffuse the aggressive behavior.\u00a0 Use genuine open hearted humor to alter the dynamic.\u00a0 Remain calm but not condescending.\u00a0 Disengage from the conversation if the aggressiveness does not dissipate.
\n<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The Defensive Person <\/strong><\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

The Behavior:<\/strong> On the defensive in conversations.\u00a0 Assumes that blame is being cast in their direction.\u00a0 Untrusting of the motives of others.\u00a0 Suspicious
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

The Translation:<\/strong> I am not worthy.\u00a0 I am not good enough. I feel shame.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Wounding Reaction:<\/strong> Go on the attack.\u00a0 Validate their lack of worth.\u00a0 Hurtful sarcasm.\u00a0 Shaming.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Healing Reaction: <\/strong>Acknowledge their value.\u00a0 Clearly communicate your intentions and motives.\u00a0 Be open and non-judgmental
\n<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This list of archetypes, behaviors or translations is by no means complete \u2013 there are many great psychologists and other spiritual practitioners who could no doubt add to what I have written here.\u00a0 What others do you see in your environment? The Fermenting Resentment? How about the Victim or the Hero? Any individual can exhibit one or many of these archetypal behaviors.\u00a0 The same person could be an egotist one day and a complainer the next.\u00a0 The behavior could be periodic, a reaction to internal stressors in the person\u2019s life or an overall life pattern.\u00a0 Though it is easier to see these behaviors in others they certainly also exist in ourselves.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

They key insights here are to observe the behavior, translate it to the deeper meaning and choose your response with consciousness and compassion.\u00a0 By taking charge of your own behavior first, you have a chance to free yourself from negative interactions that plague so many relationships and proceed upon your path towards self-mastery with greater harmony. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a>Thought of the Month<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Every interaction we have with another human being can be healing or wounding to all involved. It is up to use to choose which behaviors we would like to master in ourselves. Playing into old ideas of pain and low self esteem serves no one and least of all those of us moving toward living in enthusiasm. The choice is ours!<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a>Tools for Self Mastery<\/strong><\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

I have added a new section to our\u00a0content library<\/a> which will have tools and worksheets to use on our path to self-mastery. I have posted Goal Worksheets and a Quick Reference guide for these behavioral archetypes for your personal use. Keep checking back for more tools as our library grows.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a>Good Deed of the Month – Microlending<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Our\u00a0link page<\/a> has a link to Kiva.org. This great web site hooks up microlending investors with reputable business owners in developing economies. If you aren’t privy to what microlending is all about take a look at their site and get enthused! These folks have small businesses who may need only $100 or $500 in capital. You can lend whatever amount you choose, only $10 or $25 if that is all you have to share. Kiva takes care of accounting for which group of investors help any given business, tracking repayments and keeping you up to date via e-mail. It is wonderful to know that my investment of $25 can truly help another business owner shape the destiny of their lives and of their families. When you have time, check it out. <\/span>Check it out in our\u00a0Environmental Links<\/a> section.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

March 2008 Newsletter Hello dear friends! It has been a busy few weeks since we last spoke! We had a full moon lunar eclipse on February 20th and the election battles are consuming our media outlets! Meanwhile, as I’ve been busy preparing this article on dealing with difficult people I am reminded that the most<\/p>\n

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