Before and After

Everything in my life lately has boiled down to before and after. Before my Father died in December and after. It’s not that I’m a different person now, though I am. It’s not that this was a seminal event in my life, though it was. I find that my mental and emotional landscape has changed. Interspersed with the grief and anger I feel more forgiving, more centered and also more open now that he has passed on.

My expectations of this life have changed. He and I were never close. The relationship I had with him was centered in my own head, not in reality. But through the course of amazing events I now have a much larger family and a different understanding of his difficulties than I had before.  I can now see him through the eyes of my sisters and brothers and this make an immense difference.

Forgiveness is meaningful to me when it is not a theory but has a measurable effect on my actions. This father’s day I will honor his memory by living and loving from a space of compassion.  I will show up for those that I care about and attempt to turn a heart wrenching situation into something that transcends the past.  This father’s day I will thank him for the gifts he gave me and leave the rest behind.

Now that he rests in peace, in an odd way, so can I.